One year ago on August 23rd, I sat in my doctor’s office looking up at the “sky” painted on the ceiling. It is supposed to be calming I think. After she told me everything that was ahead during my pregnancy, she left me to lay there while I waited for the pharmacy to fill my new prescription. I was by myself that day, which was unusual since Micah usually came with me.
And I cried. Uncontrollable sobbing.
I finally picked up my phone to call Micah, wiped away the streams running down my face, and I explained to him everything that I had just been told – “the baby is growing normally, but you are showing signs of premature labor. At 23 weeks along, it is way too early for the baby to possibly come out, and we don’t want to chance anything. If the baby were to be born this week, chances are high that your baby boy would not be able to survive, since his lungs are not developed. If we can make it to next week, the chances improve greatly, and with each week even better. We are asking you to go on BED REST for the REMAINDER of your pregnancy, however long that is.”
BED REST. and baby might not survive.
I finally made it down to my car, after they had asked me to go to the pharmacy, straight to my car, and straight home to lie down more (for months?!) only to get up for the bathroom/showers or doctor’s appointments.
And I cried a lot more.
I was overwhelmed, and scared. My pregnancy had been so normal, & I felt fine. “What if I wasn’t going to be able to meet our baby boy? What was I going to do for the next few months just lying in bed all the time? What about the baby room, or all of the stuff I still wanted to do before he was born?” And then back to “…will our baby be ok?”
In the background playing on cd I heard this song:
I cried the entire drive home, but not just the overwhelmed or scared or disappointed tears. I was crying because I was overwhelmed with how much I knew God loved me. How fiercely He loved me. How He was with me, knew my fear, my pain, how He KNEW MY BOY. and how He loved my boy.
I went home and Micah laid down next to me on our bed, and we cried more together, and talked about what the season of bed rest would look like for us. We prayed together, and even though we cried while we prayed, we both felt an amazing peace even while we also felt the feelings of “not knowing.” It’s hard to explain, but we just knew that the Lord is good, that He is faithful no matter what, that He loves us.
This whole year there have been moments in worshipping when we’ll sing this song. And the tears rush again, partly from the memories of that day last year. But mostly because we were graciously blessed with Landon’s life. It has been a long year, a complicated one, an extremely emotional one – because the season of bed rest, the hospital for me, the NICU for landon, the bills, and then the adjustment to parenthood have been like a huge wave. But even in all of those things & trials, we are still so overwhelmed with how He loves us.
This morning when Landon woke up, he gave me an extra long hug – it was as if he knew that today was a different kind of day. I held him tight, and I told him the story of one year ago, and I told him how amazing it is that this year I get to hold & hug him, instead of just hoping for him.
Tonight before I put him to bed, he gave me an extra long hug again. We took a few fun pictures on the iphone, just to commemorate today. I’m sure next week I’ll have more memories (since that would be the anniversary of the hospital stay). I know that God is good & faithful, and that He still would be even if I was not able to hold, hug, and take silly pictures with my baby today. But I’m so thankful that I can hold, hug, & take silly pictures with him – I am so thankful for the gift of Landon’s life. And most of all, I am thankful for the way that He loves.